Everything about her said fuck me I'm vulnerable. That's what I thought, as I sat in my car drinking a red bull and chewing half a Ginsters sausage roll in a petrol station, watching her in the dark. What was she doing out here anyway? It was the middle of nowhere. The middle of nowhere. I watched her stagger out of the shop, short skirt, hair scrunched up with mousse or gel or something else. Behind the glass she paid for something, cigarettes I think, maybe condoms, or aspirin.
Everything about you says love me, I'm vulnerable, I said to her as she sat in my car. I could see the unease on her face, the disgust as I gently squeezed her knee. I tried not to let the anger get too much. I've lost it before and I don't like how that makes me feel. I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person, I said, as we drove around and around the block as I pretended to be lost. I just need someone to talk to, some people don't understand, but I know that you do. I can feel it. I couldn't feel it. Fucking bitch, I wanted to feel it. She wasn't saying anything.
You can talk to me, I said, as we sat.
Can you talk to me? Please, I said. I heard the sound of my desperation and it was disgusting.
Take care, I said, as I dropped her off on the corner and watched her run away. Don't run too fast I thought, it makes me look bad. I took the other half of the sausage roll out of the glove compartment.